I have a PARALYZING fear of dialing wrong numbers. I don’t know where it comes from, or why. Nobody ever cursed me out for accidentally calling them. I never summoned a demon by accidentally dialing “666.” Just something inside of me starts shrieking like a banshee when an unfamiliar voice answers the phone. And I just hang up. Automatically. No “hi, sorry, wrong number!” Just BANG! Phone down. Run out of the room.
My name is Kaitlin. I am an avid gamer, unapologetic bookworm, Dungeons and Dragons enthusiast, proud Gryffindor, multi-faceted performer, and a gigantic anxiety-laden mess.
In theory, anxiety may seem quirky and potentially adorable. But in reality, most of the time it’s just annoying. Sure, you could argue that EVERYONE lays awake at night, re-living past embarrassments and hoping to every deity that the people who witnessed your shame never remember it. That is, I’ve discovered, just a big part of being human. But there’s a fine line between “laying awake re-living past awkward horrors” and “Laying awake thinking How much would it cost to make a national television commercial in which I justify and explain myself to everyone I’ve ever been awkward to?”
And if you’re one of those people saying “well get over it sweetheart! That’s life!” then this blog is most assuredly not for you. There are plenty of us out there who can’t just GET over it, as much as we would like to. To those fellow panic-ridden weirdos like me, WELCOME. This blog IS for you. And that’s why I do this. It is entirely against my nature to put my own unscripted thoughts and feelings out into the world outside of some sort of stage or performance venue, and I CERTAINLY don't write normal blog posts anymore. My freelance work and my novel have taken over my life in quite a big way, and I have a hard time believing that people will want to read something of mine that isn't an article, or a fantastical tale. But if this reaches even one person who gets panic attacks when they have to send food back, can’t make phone calls, or makes up elaborate excuses instead of just saying “whoops, my bad!”, then I’ve done my job. And know that you are NOT alone. One day, I hope to turn these ramblings into some sort of podcast or webseries perhaps. In the meantime, however, I am happy to have you along for the ride.
So, before we really get started, let me tell you a little about myself! I grew up in North Carolina, child number three of four. I went to a tiny liberal arts college in Shenendoah Valley, up in Virginia. Then, almost seven years ago, I moved down to Orlando as part of the Disney College Program. And I never left. Since then, I have worked or currently work in almost all of the major theme parks in the area. I have lived gig-to-gig for the longest time, and I like staying busy! This year, I will be receiving 13 separate W2s or 1099s, just to give you an idea of just HOW busy I like to keep my life. I am an actor, puppeteer, voice actor, writer, and collector of hobbies.
And I’ve always been this way. I have been high energy and high strung since birth. I was diagnosed as borderline ADD but never technically on the spectrum in school, although several teachers tried to get me on Ridlin just so they didn’t have to deal with me. My mom never agreed to this, and instead I found other ways to channel my energy and learn to focus, for which I am extremely grateful. For me, even as child, panic attacks and anxiety attacks were pretty routine. We just didn’t know what they were. They blended so well with my normal frenetic personality and self-made high-stress life that we all just assumed they were part of the Kaitlin package.
And then, when I was 16, the summer before my senior year of high school, I was rushed to the emergency room. Unable to breathe, unable to swallow, with agonizing chest pains. After they quickly ruled out heart attack, I was diagnosed with Chronic Costochondritis. It is an inflamation of the cartilage in the sternum, and it has been compared to the pain of a heart attack, only without the lasting damage. For some people, Costochondritis is brought on by strain or trauma, or even an infection. For me, the doctors informed me, it is brought on by stress. And it will be for the rest of my life. It was my body’s way of trying to get me to slow down. I had pushed myself too hard that summer, never settling down, dangerously busy even for me. I was prescribed panic medications and painkillers.
In the years that followed, I would also be diagnosed with a hormone imbalance, and a chronic pain disorder. All three of these conditions feed off of each other, and they are all lifelong. But I ALSO discovered that slowing down doesn’t necessarily help. For 8 straight years, I had to go to the emergency room about once a year for one or all of my issues, even when I was trying to stay relaxed. Slowing down didn’t help. At least not for long. So now, I’m learning every day how to function with all of them, and still live the life that I love and work so hard for.
And here I am, to shed some light on living with the realities of high-functioning anxiety and chronic pain. I'll be sharing some stories, and hoping that some of you can relate and find comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
I can’t promise you deep meaningful realizations about life. I can’t even promise you’ll be entertained. My dad thinks I’m funny, but he made me so I’m pretty sure he’s obligated. What I CAN promise you is that I won't hold anything back. I am an open book. And if you're not reading my ACTUAL book, this has the potential to be a solidly unique alternative. And, hopefully, this blog will include a few stories that will make you say “THANK GOD I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES THAT!”
I will also, of course, be sprinkling in a hearty helping of my life. Thoughts on nerd culture, and writing advice. Updates on my journey through self-publishing and making it as a freelancer. General rants on public bathrooms. You know, normal blog stuff.
So, until next time, keep it real, nerds. Or, uh ... keep it nerdy? Keep it awkward? WHY ARE SIGN-OFF PHRASES SO CRIPPLINGLY HARD!