The tales of an unapologetic nerd
When I was about fifteen, my dad sat me down before school one morning and asked me, "So, who's the boy?" I was not allowed to date until I was sixteen. I knew that. But for weeks now, I'd been up, dressed, and ready for school hours early. And I was (am) not a morning person. All of this added up to, in my parents' eyes, "Kaitlin is secretly sneaking out to meet a boy."
Oh, how I wished I were that cool. My father probably did, too. But no, the answer was much, much more frightening. Two words: HARVEST. MOON.
Every morning, I had been waking up at four AM, getting completely ready for my day, and scurrying downstairs to spend two blissful hours of uninterrupted game time before I had to go to school. And most of the time, that game was Harvest Moon. My first gaming addiction. Well, tied for first with the entire Neopets website and Spyro: Ripto's Rage.
To me, it was simple: when Mom was awake, my screen time was limited to half an hour a day. And, if she woke up and I was NOT completely ready for the day, she would FIND things for me to do. So I did everything in my power to make sure I was overly prepared. To make SURE there was nothing for her to find, nothing she could possibly invent for me to do before school. NOTHING that might take up my precious gaming time. Hence the makeup, when I didn't usually wear makeup. Bed was made, healthy breakfast was eaten, dog was fed (and often walked), and I was an all-around model citizen and perfect daughter. All in the name of gaming.
It's no secret that people can lose themselves in video games when they are experiencing depression or lack of fulfillment in their lives. In her memoir, You're Never Weird on the Internet (Almost), Felicia Day goes into great detail about her own World of Warcraft addiction. When she felt unsuccessful and lost as an actor, she turned a part-time gaming hobby into a full-time gaming alternative life.
We all know the danger. We have all seen the citcom cariactures that have lost touch with reality and drowned themselves in gaming. We've read internet articles about the dangers of too much screen time on our children and ourselves. But video games have saved my life, and given it purpose, time and time again.
When I first wrote this (originally for a journalism class, later published on a since-deleted literary website) I was stuck at home, recovering from a hosiptalizing knee injury. I was awaiting surgery. I was out of work. I could not walk without crutches, or get in and out of the shower safely without assistance. People had to come over and feed me, and I have never felt quite so pathetic in my life. Right after the injury, I was on the verge of becoming a semi-catatonic depression blob, never getting out of bed. I wasn't eating, even when people tried to bring me food. I slept all day. I wasn't even hydrating, because getting up to pee afterwards was just too exhausting on crutches.
And then, my boyfriend helped me downstairs one morning before he had to go to work. He turned on my console, and started up the game I had last left off on. Dragon Age: Origins -- Awakening.
It worked. I awakened.
The Dragon Age franchise has been my favorite video game series since I created my first Grey Warden in early 2010. I have fallen in love with the characters, the story, and the world. It has become my new Harvest Moon; the game that can literally get me out of bed in the morning. The next day, I figured out how to get myself downstairs for the first time in weeks, because nobody was home to help me, and the console was down there. Since my painkillers put me to sleep, I started drinking caffeine to keep myself awake and log more hours. Very soon, I was hydrating properly again. I was getting myself to and from the kitchen, not to mention other household necessaries. I started setting alarms to wake myself up at a normal hour in the morning. I started eating. I started sleeping regularly through the night, since I wasn't allowing my painkillers to force me to nap all day. Most importantly: I was out of bed, and happy.
I am a workaholic. At the time of my injury, I had thirteen different jobs, plus school, an active social life, and a collection of ridiculous hobbies. I have always been, as my dad used to call me, a "creature of chaos." I do not do well with a sedentary lifestyle. But, between medical bed rest and an entire apothecary of sleep-inducing medications, sedentary was forced upon me. Dragon Age kept the depression at bay, and gave me back a small sense of control and accomplishment.
And it's fairly simple to figure out why: there is measurable success. There are clearly defined quest lines and story progressions. There are battles to win, and every hour I spent in the game resulted in achievements and gained levels. But every hour my body spent healing? When I still couldn't even walk? (Insert eye roll and disgusted noise here.) How do you measure THAT?
It's not the first time a video game has positively affected my life and encouraged out-of-game progress. In 2015, when Assassin's Creed: Syndicate was released, my physical health took a major upswing. I have always loved the AC games -- some more than others (Edward Kenway, you will always have my heart) -- and in the back of my mind I always wanted to be able to do what they did. Physically, I mean, not the assassinating. But it wasn't until Evie Frye came along that I got up and did something about it. I wanted to be her. And it was a motivation that didn't fade. I started going to the gym more regularly, and taking kickboxing classes. It motivated me so well that I actually started to noticeably lose weight, an issue I've struggled with for over fifteen years. In fact, the only thing that stopped me in that particular quest line was my aforementioned knee injury.
But there is not a single aspect of my life that gaming has not touched, and changed for the better. I became a voice actor and electronic puppeteer, which is how I make my living, because of my love for video games. They actually hired me at one of my favorite jobs because I knew how to handle different console controllers. My boyfriend and I bonded over our favorite franchises when we first started dating, and became deeply involved in our tabletop and roleplaying worlds as well. My writing has constantly been influenced by the amazing worlds and incredible characters I find in my favorite console worlds. Even in my family life, games have helped shape who I am. As a child, my older siblings only let me hang around when I showed interest in what they were playing. It was usually Wolfenstein or Lode Runner, and for years it was the closest contact I had to either of them on a day-to-day basis. I wasn't old enough to play yet, but oh how I longed to do what they did. In my heart, even then, I knew I was a gamer.
There is something about art that draws us in. Mankind has killed for paintings and sculptures. We idolize musicians, and have glamorous awards shows for film and television. Books take us into a new world we can visit over and over again, and classic poetry has survived since the age of Homer and The Odyssey. But there is something sorely overlooked about the particular immersive beauty that is video games.
It is important to have a life. But it's just as important, I think, to have an alt life. It is a built-in social circle, filled with friends you haven't met yet. It's not just a hobby, it's a life you can aspire to. Maybe you can't slay dragons in real life, but you can always be a hero. Maybe you can't actually sword fight in real life, but why not learn? Bring a little magic into your real, everyday life. Stand up for what you love.
I had a long, arduous recovery ahead of me, after my knee exploded. In fact, to this day I still have pain and weakness and healing to manage. But, because of Dragon Age, when my boyfriend came over after that to check on me, I didn't have to tell him all I did was sleep and mope around all day. My glow of success from fighting through Thedas had put the spark of determination back into my life. A spark that has never faded since, and has reminded me that I can, in fact, fight through the worst of times. I began to write a few scripts. Podcasts, a webseries, even revisited some of my dusty old novel ideas, one of which I'm still working on to this day. I threw myself into a few hands-on projects -- crafting in real life, guys! It's so much harder than in looks in the games!
Gaming woke my imagination back up, because that's what gaming is at its very core. Imagining. Even if you're playing a farmer, in a little mountain town with pixilated people and cows and truly impractical farming mechanics. I will always call that little mountain town home. It taught me to balance life and gaming, and always let one inspire the other. It taught me that it was okay to love a fictional world that took up more time than an average book or movie.
If I could go back to that fifteen year old girl, embarrassed that she was hiding a video game obsession instead of a cute boy, I would tell her, "Baby, it's all gonna turn out alright. Love what you love. And game on."
A few months ago, I published a blog post over at Random Encounter Productions about the art of storytelling, and how it relates to roleplaying in Dungeons & Dragons. I have always believed in the power of storytelling. It is so much more than simply words on a page or on a screen. The art of storytelling celebrates such a grand and ever-shifting piece of magic within all of us. Even as children, we want to tell our parents EVERYTHING that happened to us each day, as if it were some grand adventure. I have often said, if I could create my own major in school, I would absolutely try and earn a Masters in Storytelling. After all, I've spent my life checking all the boxes:
That last one is what I'm most eager to discuss, as my aforementioned post on the REP blog made me realize just how much of Dungeons and Dragons has seeped into the way I tell my own stories today.
BUILDING REAL CHARACTERS
Let's start with the most basic building block of any story, OR any good D&D campaign: the CHARACTERS. Without good, interesting characters, even the most epic stories would fall flat. Without characters we care about in our fiction, we have no real reason to continue caring about the world. Without Frodo's worry over The Shire, he has no reason to take the ring to Mordor. Evil may continue to roam the countryside in the form of the Nazgul, but why would we ever become involved? The same holds true with any good D&D game: without our heroes, the world would not matter. We choose to play as these rangers and rogues and barbarians, in order to see the world through their eyes.
But the glorious thing about D&D character creation (if you're doing it right ... power players need not apply) is that all of the classes are inherently flawed. By nature, a Warlock has made a pact for their soul. Backstory is written in, because what sort of person would sell themselves for power? Clerics and Paladins are often torn between doing what is right and doing what is best. Rogues cannot be sneaky AND heavily-armored. Now, there are ways around every rule, and there will always be players who stat their characters in such a way that they have NO WEAKNESSES. That is perfectly fine, and I do not fault those players. Sometimes, you just want to be a demigod in your escapist tabletop fantasy. More power to you! However, I would argue that there's power in a "dump stat." There is built-in creativity and roleplay in embracing something your character is NOT good at!
Too often in our own stories, we forget to give our main characters flaws. And, whether at the table or on the page, those flaws are usually the thing that has the chance to make them the most interesting. The most relate-able. The most real. The moment I started thinking of my book characters as playable D&D classes, they became much easier to write, and so much better to read. They were no longer epic warriors who could just do anything, they were Human Fighters, with a low Charisma stat: getting the job done, but maybe a little harsh with people. Because when you play D&D for long enough, you stop being afraid of the flaws. So stop being afraid to give your book characters real flaws and weaknesses! They don't always need to have flawless skin, perfect teeth, or thick and flowing hair. The princes don't always need to be charming, and not every damsel in distress is a golden-haired, corset-waisted goddess. Your hunters can be bad at simple household tasks. Your roguish charmers can be terrible at actual fighting, just really sweet talkers. Give us reasons to care, and reasons to relate.
OUR PLACE IN THE WORLD
In a D&D campaign, it's easy to feel like your actions don't have consequences. This often leads to the "murder hobo" mentality of "HEY I can do anything I want! LET'S KILL PEOPLE AND TAKE THEIR STUFF!" I don't know about the other players out there, but for me? That's the LAZIEST approach to a campaign ever. And a lot of Dungeon Masters agree. So, a GOOD one will take those instincts and fold in real consequences in-game. Very quickly, players learn that yes, they CAN burn down the village and rob everybody, but they'll spend several game sessions after that running from the law, breaking out of prison, or being executed and having to roll up a new character.
It's an idea we need to remember for our writing as well: YOUR CHARACTERS ARE NOT ALONE! Nobody exists entirely in a vacuum, or if they do it's VERY difficult to make an interesting story about them. For those of you planning on bringing up classics such as I Am Legend or famous episodes of The Twilight Zone, sit down and be quiet. There are exceptions to EVERY rule, and it is your choice if you wish to pursue them in your own art. Clearly, I'm discussing other things, so let's just let those go for now :)
Layering the world around your characters is vital for keeping any long-running tabletop campaign going. Who is in charge? Who do you shop from? Do they turn you away or raise the prices on you if you're a troublemaker? If your adventuring party become criminals instead of heroes, how much does it change how townsfolk react to your presence? Are they excited to see you, or terrified? All of these things can be applied to our fiction in much the same way. Take time to think about every action your characters take. Every choice, every possible consequence. Maybe while they're saving the world, they are fairly destructive. Yes, they are doing a good thing, but how will the people react?
This example is perfectly executed in Disney's The Incredibles: superheroes being pushed into hiding because their exploits are, while good, very dangerous. In fact, many of the best superhero stories center around the main character having to hide because of society. Whether they think it will make them a target, endanger the people they love, or they simply aren't allowed to reveal themselves because of some social or political reason, that external influence from the rest of the world is crucial to the survival of their story.
Remember the people as you write your own. Stop and think how your main character's actions are going to ripple out and change the lives of citizens they may never even meet. This mentality allows the world to grow into something much larger, more complicated, and more engaging to read about.
For those of you who aren't familiar, there is a moment in any D&D game that can make or break your character: rolling a Natural 1. Natural 1, at most tables, is a critical failure. You have made a mistake. Your blade misses. You fall. You lose a body part. All of these things can help shape your character's story from then on, in a way you couldn't have possibly imagined because these things aren't planned. The great thing about rolling the dice and letting them decide your fate is reacting to it. Will my character learn how to go on without a leg? Will they still adventure? Or is it time to retire them into a life of barkeeping somewhere, and roll up somebody new?
While our books are generally not as chaotic and unplanned as a D&D campaign (I say "generally" because many of us out here are writers of pure improvisation) there's still something lovely to be gleaned from this: my character doesn't always have to succeed. In fact, it is often so much more interesting if they don't. It may feel catastrophic to lose the person you were trying to save. To be scarred. To fail. But here's the beautiful thing about in-game failures: we get to build new quests around them. Lost a leg? Let's find a wizard who can make me a new one of wood. Castle burned down in the midst of war? The King is now a refugee, and we have to find a new home for an entire ruling family. Not to mention, there's that whole war thing going on ...
Our books are allowed to follow failures. Sure, we usually want the hero to win in the end, at least in my genre. But how they get there can be twisted and unclear. They may lose the love of their life to somebody else, and that love story may not untangle itself for several books. They might fail to save one of their companions, and deal with the loss. Heroes are not only heroes because they win. Their heroism is bigger than that, or it should be. They are heroes because they keep trying. They get back up. They learn to walk again. They fight when the odds are against them. So, set something against them! Even if they are eventually meant to come out on top, reminding the readers that there's a chance they could fail is never a bad thing. The failures make the successes that much richer.
EXHAUSTION, ILLNESS, AND THE RULES OF MAGIC
Fantasy authors have heard for YEARS about finding a "price" or "rules" of magic. It is a topic I could attempt to tackle in an entire SERIES of posts, and I'm sure I will someday, but today is not THAT day. There are plenty of other people who have explained it better, and discussing the exact nuances of the prices of magic is a complicated topic. However, the great news is that D&D has already BUILT IN rules of magic! Not only that, but the rules shift and change depending on what type of magic you studied. Which, if you think about it, is so much better than just one set rule for all magic everywhere.
In Dungeons & Dragons, if I play a Wizard, I have studied from books. I am a normal person, who simply went to school to learn. As a Sorcerer, however, something inside me simply has that spark of magical power and potential. There are different flavors of magic, just like there are different flavors of art, music, woodworking, and writing in the real world. Why should magic be confined to one set of rules, if people are using it differently? Not only that, but each class has a built-in chart explaining how much magic they can use in a day, and how strong of a spell they would be capable of.
This tabletop way of looking at not just magic, but all talents, opened my eyes as a writer. For instance: my hunter, learning to shoot his weapon in the woods to feed his family, is going to learn to handle a bow and arrow differently than a soldier learning to shoot target practice in combat training. Same ultimate end, but very different ways of getting there.
The rules in D&D don't only address magic and skills, but sleep. Eating. Sickness. The day-to-day routine things we often don't stop to think about when we write. We want our characters to run off into the sunset with their bags packed and adventure in their hearts.
But has your character ever had to run off with such a bag hanging off their shoulders? Camping equipment is very heavy. Swords are heavy. Food, bedding, clothes ... if your main character isn't a seasoned adventurer, all of these things may be more exhausting than you think about. And that's where D&D comes back into the picture: they also have rules for ALL OF IT. Any condition that might befall someone on a quest, and the repercussions associated with it.
There is something almost Homeric about sitting down with your friends and telling an epic, improvised story. I like to imagine Homer sat his friends around a fire while he spun tales of Odysseus and his quest. But you can circle yourselves around a tabletop, some paper, and a set of dice with much the same end in mind. And, if you don't have a group of fellow storytellers right now? Don't fret. The art of storytelling is bigger than all of us, and the rules of roleplay are adaptable even by yourself. It's time to start looking at your book like a game. So pick up a die, and roll.
This past week, I celebrated my FIRST WHOLE YEAR as a published author! And, as you can see from the numbers, I ACTUALLY MADE MONEY OFF OF THIS?! Yes, internet, I did. And I continue to do so. With just two published works so far, I'm feeling remarkably confident about my future as a writer and creator, and I'd love to share with you now some of the tips and tricks that have worked for ME in my journey. They may just be little things, and simple ways to make it in this world, but they've kept me going for a year now, and helped me find relative success. Indie authors out there, take note! Everything may not work for you, but I give you these tools in your own journey, that you may be better armed to face your own path and fight your own dragons.
1) Invest in good cover art
Someone once told me that your cover is your greatest asset as an indie author, and oftentimes your only billboard. Having been around the convention block a few times now, and seen what other indie authors are putting out there, I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH: PAY FOR A COVER ARTIST. In all honesty, the MS Paint "I want to write but can't afford an artist" look does not usually pay off. It will not matter that your writing is great, and it will not matter that your story is spectacular. If your cover does not grab people right as they walk away, 9 times out of 10 they won't be buying a copy of your book.
In fact, my cover art is what got me and my book into my local Barnes and Noble branch. The visuals are so professional, that the saleswoman who initially started carrying my work didn't even realize I was indie. And neither do the readers. At the end of the day, people will always judge a book by its cover. So turn that to your advantage! Make your work pop off the shelves and stand out in a crowded convention center! Make sure when people are scrolling through Amazon, they have a reason to stop on your book. I wouldn't be doing half as well as I am without my cover artist, Fiona Jayde. I owe so much of my success to her artistry.
2) Find your market
I myself have had a remarkable amount of success at conventions. In fact, there's several hundred more dollars unaccounted for in the Book Report graphic above, simply because they were all cash sales at cons and events. Just a week after my first book was published, I hit the road and set up a booth at Ancient City Con. There, not only did I make back my booth cost (plus a little extra) but I learned some valuable lessons about myself as a salesperson. My theatre background and naturally-bubbly personality both grant me the skills necessary to thrive in a person-to-person marketing setting. While the internet is a great place to network and sell your product, I have done the best in the past year face-to-face with the readers. People get excited to talk to me about my work, and they enjoy spending time at my booth and getting to know me as a person.
That isn't to say the convention approach will work for everyone. There's a fine line between being an engaging vendor and harassing people, and I've seen it go very very badly. On the other hand, just sitting silently and waiting for people to notice your work can be just as off-putting. A little tip from a professional performer: talk to people about other things. Compliment their shirt. Ask them how their day at the con has been. Gush over their hair color. If they want to know more about your books or your merch, they will take the next step. You just have to make yourself a safe, friendly person to talk to. It comes naturally to me, but I hope that little bit of direction can help you have a more successful time at your next event.
In addition to finding what market works best for you, don't try and torture yourself to learn a marketing tactic or technique that just isn't your speed. Yes, there are tried-and-true methods of marketing on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook. But, just like with writing styles or habits, not every approach will work for every author. Try them all, and learn what you can, but at the end of the day you'll have more success if you feel comfortable with what you're doing.
3) Find Your Tribe
Whether in-person or online, there is always a support group to be found for aspiring artists. We creators need a specific type of love and care to make the magic happen, and finding those people who know how to take care of your unique brand of creativity-induced crazy is remarkably important. Without mine, I could never have made it through this first year, or published to begin with. Sometimes, it's something simple, like finding friends who will come to your signings and buy your books, just to support you as a person. Other times, it's people lending their own talent to your project, like my dad did when he painted my map, or my sister still does when she proofreads my pages for free. And then, there's another kind of support. A daily, never-ending journey. Here, we find the partners. The best friends. The boyfriends or girlfriends. The Twitter families. The coworkers. Those who know what you're going through, and pick up the slack while you push through your next chapter or a particularly bad writer's block. For me, I had an entire team willing to make sure I was fed and watered. To manage my business while I was deep in writing mode at night. To reach out whenever they found an event they thought my books would do well at. To be there, when I needed to scream into the void about the bad days.
Find your tribe. You'd be amazed how helpful people who are already in your life can be when you just reach out. And if not? Make a new group. Find an online family, or an ally at a local bookstore or coffee shop. Build a community around yourself. After all, it's dangerous to go alone.
4) Don't be afraid to ask
Waltzing into my local Barnes and Noble and casually asking for a book signing was absolutely terrifying. But guess what? It paid off big time. Not only did they say YES, but they are still carrying both of my books to this day! And displayed front-facing, people. IF YOU ARE IN THE BOOK BUSINESS YOU KNOW WHAT A BIG DEAL THAT IS! *ahem* Again, please refer to Tip #1: cover art.
What started out as a dream has turned into a recurring signing event every few months (in fact, I have one tonight), a monthly gig hosting their YA Book Club, and an incredible relationship with the men and women who work there. For a little indie gal like me, this is the greatest achievement of my career so far. I glow with pride and joy every time I see that my books are still in stock, or being re-stocked because the original batch sold out. And it never would have happened if I hadn't just asked. Will everyone always say yes? Absolutely not. But if you don't even try, you might miss out on something amazing.
5) Never stop learning
It's painful to hear, and painful to say to another creator, but sometimes the reason your project isn't as successful as you'd like is because it's simply not up to the caliber it should be. And that's okay! The good news is, you took the first step! You finished your book, and put it out into the world! That's further than a lot of people ever get in their lives, and you should be proud of yourself. Celebrate that achievement, first and foremost, before you read any further!
Celebration done? Okay, now for the hard part.
Your work may not be as good as you think it is. And while it is important to have a supportive tribe, you also need critics who are comfortable telling you what is wrong with your book. If you're not willing to take constructive criticism, or you refuse to continue honing your craft, you're selling yourself short. You're doing your self a disservice by not continuing to grow and learn as a writer, and artist, and a storyteller. You deserve to have your story told, and to have people want to read it. Sometimes, that means going back to the basics, and re-learning some things you may have forgotten. Take a writing class. Pick up a novel in a genre you may nave never considered reading before. Find someone willing to tell you the truth. In those moments, when we are faced with our own weaknesses as creators, something magical happens: we learn what we are truly made of.
I have been told, time and time again, things I need to fix. And, with a lot of them, the critic was right. But by the time I published, I knew what was good about my work, and what wasn't. Not only did I put forward the strongest piece I could at the time, but my heart has not been broken by the handful of bad, potentially hurtful reviews I have received. Being sure of myself and my style has given me great confidence to face the internet trolls. When someone says "this character didn't behave like a strong woman should," I know that their definition of strength is different than mine. And that's okay. I know my character is who she is meant to be.
I never would have gotten there if I hadn't been ironing out the problems in my own writing over the past twenty years. In fact, I am still ironing to this day. Finding the weakest points of my own craft and stamping them out, so when I am confronted with an enemy I know I can hold my chin high and say, "that is your opinion." Think of it like learning to cook: it doesn't always come easily, and you could spend a lifetime discovering new tricks and new recipes.
This is just the beginning of my personal Indie Author Survival Kit. And, as I mentioned, the advice may not be for everyone. But please, don't hesitate to reach out if you need a friend in the business. I'm going through all of this one day at a time, just like many of you. I learn something new every day, and I'm grateful for it. Now, it's your turn. What are some things YOU have learned on your Indie Journey? How can you help better the writing world with your knowledge? Feel free to share! And, in the meantime, keep writing! Someone out there needs your book. I'm just giving you the tools to try and help make sure they find it.
For me, the milestone was my 30th. I had set two major goals for myself: weight and career. All I wanted was to feel healthy and fulfilled, and these were measurable, simple ways to achieve that. With all the health problems my family has experienced over the years (and that definitely run in my genes) and my own myriad chronic conditions, I wanted to push myself to get into better shape and head off the issues before they become truly debilitating. Now, before you get touchy about it, I know weight is not the only indication of health. For me, however, it's the most consistently tangible guidepost. So let's move past that.
Since my knee injury two years ago, I've gained more than 20 pounds. The goal, I decided, was to hit 130 by my 30th. Catchy, right? 130 by 30? Well, I thought so ... anyway, I started myself on a diet plan and started working out more, but progress was incredibly slow. And painful. My body does not enjoy working out, and it was mad at me for about three months ...
The second goal was to finish my third book, Wayfinder. For my own progress as an indie author, it is important to me to try and release a book a quarter. That's four books in a year, and I already missed the first two. As much as I love my performing jobs, the aforementioned health issues have made continuing in them for much longer an impossibility, and I'd love to finally commit full-time to writing. So, I set out to push through this next installment of my series, and dedicated every free moment to finishing on time. I took time away from my D&D company and streaming with them, which broke my heart. I spent hours in front of the computer, making great strides and churning out more chapters in a short amount of time than I would originally have thought possible.
But it wasn't enough. Not on either count. I hit my birthday 10 pounds shy of my weight goal, and only sixteen chapters into my book. And, I was depressed about it. What more could I have done? Could I have worked harder? Should I have worked harder? Sleep isn't a thing people need, right? For days I beat myself up over my failures. I felt terrible for not making my goals, and all I wanted was to feel like I'd made something of myself by the time I was 30. I wanted to feel comfortable in my skin again.
And then, slowly but surely, I started realizing the truth behind my birthday goals: I may not have hit them, but what I did do was set myself up for long-lasting, future success. I didn't just try and push through to make an arbitrary date, I actively spent three months developing new habits. I didn't starve myself in an attempt to lose weight, I made conscious decisions to eat better and work out more, both of which have stuck around past the goal date. I also developed a new writing regiment, one that makes me think I'll actually be able to make my publishing goals next year, without compromising the quality of my work.
But the self-imposed deadline made me address some things about myself as a writer that I'd never dealt with on my own, and I think I'm stronger now for it. I still hope and pray and believe that he'll recover enough to start reading again (not just selfishly for me, but because he genuinely enjoys my stories and my world ... and, ya know, so he can BE HEALTHY) however, my career as a writer has to be strong enough to survive these setbacks. My desperation and desire to push through, even without my cheerleader, has been one of the hardest times in my writing journey so far. Now, however, I'm equipped to deal with the times when he can't be there to read alongside me. As painful as that is, it was an important lesson to learn. I found a new support group in my sister and my friends, and a new faith in my own work that has carried me further in the past few months than in years before. Diving into self-publishing a year ago was terrifying enough ... finding out who I am in this new phase of life, without that safety net? Even more so.
Believe in yourself. Whatever version of you that may be, right at this moment. Because, I promise, you are amazing. And you are worth believing in.
Main Street, USA. The first place you set foot in The Magic Kingdom. A street simply dripping with atmosphere and charm. The music is playing, and the mouth-watering smell of popcorn is piped through the air. Characters wait in welcome, and parades and trolley shows roll down the way every few hours.
Yet despite the tantalizing sweets at the confectionery, or the Photo Pass photographers waiting to immortalize your visit in film, the longest line on Main Street is usually at City Hall: the home of Guest Relations. And while many of those poor unfortunate souls waiting for assistance are in line for legitimate reasons, an alarming number are there for something else: to complain. Because they didn't get the exact same experience that somebody else did. They didn't get "The Right Kind of Magic."
And it's not just at Disney World that these complaints run rampant. Universal employees are just as regularly accused of "ruining vacations," and Sea World can't seem to catch a break no matter what they do. And while these complainers, bellyachers, squawkers ... while these people have always existed, it seems to have gotten exponentially worse over the last few years as the social media age has taken off. There is no doubt that technology has made it easier to vacation -- to plan, to execute, to enjoy. But with it has come an unfortunate truth: magic has been raised to an impossible standard.
It used to be simple. The Magic Kingdom was simply that: magical. The sheer joy of looking up at Cinderella’s castle and seeing your childhood come to life was enough. “Magical Moments,” as the company calls them, were scattered throughout the day as often as possible, but unannounced. Characters might decide to accompany you on your favorite attraction. You might be the one to finally pull the sword from the stone. Your child could be chosen to join a parade or a special photo opportunity. And even without these moments, your vacation would be unforgettable.
But then, articles started to circulate. BuzzFeed did several videos about “If you do
THIS, then the characters HAVE to do that.” And, usually, these articles were completely based on isolated incidents. One of the most notable examples is the famous “Andy’s Coming!” from 2013.
The story was, if you shouted “Andy’s Coming!” to the Toy Story characters, they would
immediately stop what they were doing and fall to the floor, perfectly still. It seems innocuous, but this rumor spread like wildfire and caused countless problems among all of the theme parks.
Now, several things are wrong with this situation as a whole. Allow me to illustrate, and I
apologize that it’s not presented in song. I know most of the important messages that Disney characters have ingrained in our minds and hearts are catchy. We’ll just have to make do with words, like boring adults.
The important take-away here is the effect these attitudes have on the park operations.
Once people start expecting special moments at every turn, we raise the bar. We try and
accommodate as much as possible. But then that becomes the norm, and so on. Soon, there’s nowhere else to go. Because once you make every moment magical, no moments really are.
As I mentioned, Disney is not the only victim. With the opening of Harry Potter World, Universal has felt the pressure as well. Amazing interactions like the wand ceremony at Ollivander’s and the Gringott’s Money Exchange have been tainted by entitlement. At the Gringott’s interaction, for instance, you can meet a goblin named Sir. He will have an entire conversation with you, if you’re interested. However, because of certain internet videos (again, I’m looking at you, BuzzFeed) people have come to treat him like a glorified version of Siri. They simply stand there and shout what they think are trigger words, and get angry if he doesn’t respond “the right way.”
It’s this idea of The Right Kind of Magic that is not only hurting our theme parks, but
hurting us. It’s made us less compassionate, and less understanding. Time and time again, I’ve seen parents say heinous things in the name of “special treatment.” Sometimes it’s as simple as calling to complain that one child with learning disabilities gets to walk around in the classroom while their own child has to stay put. But other times, times I have witnessed far too often, it’s much worse.
For instance: it’s no secret that children from the “Make a Wish” foundation are given priority access to characters and attractions at Disney World. But when they do, it seems to bring out the worst in the parents with healthy children.
“Well, I wish my child was dying.” That is a phrase I have heard said to my face. It is
just one of many horrible things parents have done in front of their own children, all in the name of right-ness. And I know they are being facetious. No one wants their child to be terminally ill. But, to the parents who are concerned with one family getting in line in front of you, I have one thing to say:
Because the horribly painful truth of the matter is this: your children don’t mind. I have
lost count of how many times, in my days as a cast member, I approached a child and explained the situation. “This family is going to meet Mickey right before you, and then he’ll be right back to see you, Princess!” And the child is perfectly fine. It’s the parents who lose their minds.
It’s the adults who stand in line at Guest Relations and complain, and demand refunds for
the rain, or because Goofy lingered 30 seconds longer at the table next to theirs, and now they feel slighted. It’s the adults who stand and shout at the Goblin for saying the wrong thing, and cause a scene in the middle of Diagon Alley. It’s the grown-ups who yell at cast members, telling them that their substandard parade viewing ruined their vacation. But the children? They still find joy and wonder in simply existing in the same space as a castle. And sure, they throw tantrums when things don’t go their way. They get hot, and tired, and cranky. They are just tiny humans, still learning how to function.
But we know better. And we need to remember the magic. The fact that such places still exist in the age of technology is something of a miracle. That real roller coasters haven’t all been replaced with virtual reality by now is amazing. When you step onto Main Street USA, you’re stepping into the heart of the longest running show on Earth. Books and movies and childhood dreams have sprung to life around you, and continue to change and grow every day. Universal’s Diagon Alley gave us real Butterbeer and interactive wands, to cast spells on your own! People could wait their whole lives to visit somewhere so special, and most of them never will.
Haircuts, cons, book releases ... now that the dust has settled, it's time to take a look back at one of the most painful, exhausting, rewarding, and life-changing years of this entire decade. 2018 was the definition of an emotional roller coaster, but I think it may have helped shape who I'm going to become. The seeds of the best version of myself may have been planted last year, and I hope to look back on even the heartbreak with gratitude and clarity one day. So, here we go. Everyone's safety equipment engaged? Got your snacks? Then let's dive in.
In 2017, I spent most of my year broken. I tore my ACL back in February, and was on crutches or post-surgical medical leave until September. The whole experience completely set back my career path and fitness journey, and even almost two years later I haven't entirely recovered.
In 2018, my physical health continued to deteriorate, to the point where I've had to take a step back from my puppetry jobs. I've had to shift my 32-hour contract with Universal Studios to a 24-hour one, and while the financial situation will be tight I'm grateful to still be employed. But the pain of day-to-day life, as I was diagnosed with Tendinitis in my wrists and hands, makes it clear that I won't be able to do the job for much longer. On top of that, this past Christmas was also the second-worst I've ever had. We spent it in the hospital with my dad, who almost died on the morning of December 23rd. He had an Aortic Dissection, and was subsequently diagnosed with Adult Onset Type 2 Diabetes. Since then, the family has dragged itself through the holidays with the barest cheer. We've all been examining our own health, as well as taking turns caring for his.
2018 ended with stress and drama. However, the year was also filled with milestones, and reminders that I can handle difficult things. Every one of them gives me hope for 2019, and promises that things do improve, eventually. The following are just some of the highlights that help me keep looking up.
2) Re-BRANDING MYSELF
3) The Mapweaver Chronicles
4) Con Life
5) D&D, Tabletop, and More!
At the end of the day, this part of the year is more about Cody than it is about me. He has risked everything to chase his passions, I'm just here to support him. But, for both of us, the challenge of teaching ourselves how to be small business owners has been taxing. The year has been exhausting, and full of new challenges neither of us expected. We have so many plans for the future of this company, and the fact that we SURVIVED this long is a miracle. The realization of dreams in 2018 really and truly began with this company. So, to Cody, I am forever grateful. He launched my year into chaos and wonder, and our lives will never be the same. At least, I hope they won't. Despite the health problems, the work stress in other areas of my life, the horrific family tragedies ... we both came out the other side with different priorities. New career paths. New friends. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world.
So, let's do this 2019. Saddle up, and get ready for even grander adventures and bigger dreams. It's showtime.
It's December 2nd, 2018. The dust has settled from this week's finale of NaNoWriMo, and I've avoided writing any thoughts on the experience until now. For starters, I didn't want to jinx myself. And, due to the nature of the whole event, I didn't want to WASTE PRECIOUS WORD COUNT MOMENTS ON THIS!
For those of you who don't know, NaNoWriMo stands for "National Novel Writing Month." It is an international phenomenon that takes place the whole month of November, where writers all over the world gather together online, and challenge themselves to write 50,000 words in only 30 days. There is no prize for finishing, or "winning," simply the satisfaction of knowing that you have accomplished something incredible. And, for most of us, that is enough.
I have attempted NaNoWriMo a dozen times in the past, and never actually finished. Once back in college I did enjoy a small victory by hitting my personal goals for the month, but I didn't actually hit that 50k marker. I have made no secret of the fact that I'm an incredibly slow writer, and over the years while constantly struggling to finish my own work, the daunting task of putting THAT much content out into the world became more and more terrifying. After all, I do not "draft" traditionally. I'll do an entire series at some point on how my personal writing style isn't conducive to "first drafts" and "rough drafts," but that's for another time. For now, suffice it to say that the whole concept of actually surviving NaNoWriMo and being proud of what I'd come out with at the end seemed impossible.
This year, finally, everything changed. With literally two minutes to go until the midnight deadline, on November 30th, I had officially added 50,000 words to my total word count for Inkspice, the second book in the Mapweaver Chronicles. And, more importantly (to me, in any case) it is READABLE. So, what changed between this year and all the many trials and failures of years before? I think I've figured out a small list of changes that helped me survive.
1) People were enjoying my work, and asking for more
A lifetime of being on stage has taught me one important thing about myself: I shamelessly thrive and flourish with praise. Yes, I am spurred on by people telling me I can't do things, but I'm also completely a real-life Tinkerbell -- I need applause to survive. Every time someone told me I was a good dancer as a kid, something inside me insisted that I keep getting better so I wouldn't let anyone down. Once, a director casually remarked that they were impressed by how quickly I memorized. And now, I'll be damned if I ever go on stage during a rehearsal with my book unless I absolutely have to.
Now, I'll be the first to admit that this has not always been the most emotionally healthy way to function. It's been a life-long battle trying to find my own self-worth without other people patting me on the head, but that's my struggle. And at least I'm finding ways to turn that compulsion for love and attention into something good, rather than wallowing in self pity whenever I feel like I'm not everyone's favorite (a constant state of being up until middle school). The upshot of it all is that positive reviews of Windswept made me want to give the people more. I want so badly to please every reader out there that I am more willing to push myself for them than I have ever been for myself.
2) My body is broken
If you're my friend on Facebook, you'll have seen that recently I was given some pretty devastating news by a doctor. He told me that it was time I start leaving puppetry behind, and look for another career. Puppets have been my life for so long now as a performer that I am genuinely heartbroken about this. It's the latest in a long list of health problems and injuries that are keeping me away from the stage and doing what I love. I have been extremely lucky in the past few years to not need a survival job. EVERY job I do, I do because I love it. And the idea of having to step down and sit in an office all day devastates me.
The terror of knowing that I may not be doing one thing I love for much longer suddenly made me realize how scared I am to lose THIS career as well. My life as a professional writer is just beginning, and if I disappear into the day-to-day of a cashier job or something that takes all of my time and saps all of my creativity, I will stall out. The next book might take more than ten years to produce, and that is unacceptable. My fear pushed me through every sleepless night in November, and I've never been more grateful that I am an anxious person. Sometimes, my anxiety monsters can be my very best allies.
3) I had a team
There's a wonderful phenomenon that has been born from social media's constant presence in our lives: if you don't have a support system, it is so easy now to find people on the internet who share your interests, and are willing to cheer on a total stranger. Fitness groups, fandoms, accountability partners ... all of these things remind us that we are not alone in our hopes, dreams, and goals. I did have an amazing support group in real life as well, with my team at Random Encounter Productions, my boyfriend, and all of my amazing friends who I do NOT deserve. But more than that, I was part of a group on Facebook filled with people I had never met, and all they did was check in on each other. It is ASTONISHING how far a simple "You can do it!" gif can go in helping you get through your day. Each time I looked at the page, I was encouraged. I watched other people going through everything I was, and felt at home. I wasn't writing alone. Other people were going along on this ridiculous adventure with me, and at the end, finished or not, we could look at each other and say, "We survived!"
4) I had already set an incredibly public deadline
This one VERY easily could have blown up in my face. As I've mentioned many times before (and will continue to mention again) I AM NOT FAST! I knew when I released Windswept that if I didn't pick a date for my next release and absolutely stick to it, I would lose all momentum. For an indie author, timelines are very important. So, every time someone bought my book and asked about the sequel, I would tell them with all confidence, "It'll be out by the end of the year!"
Dear Past Kaitlin,
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF IT'S SO NOT COOL!! Now I'm stuck with this ridiculous and impossible deadline and I'm bullying myself into finishing word counts and making snap decisions and WHY?! We are in a fight, Past Me.
Sincerely, Current Kaitlin
Dear Current Kaitlin,
Sincerely, Past Kaitlin
The funny thing is, those deadlines did more for the creative part of my brain than I'd ever imagined they would have. There were nights when I was just speed-writing outlines and stream-of-consciousness notes to myself, just to get something on paper, and I would suddenly stumble over something I hadn't intended. Now, many of those moments have become integral plot points of my series. The breakneck pace that NaNoWriMo often demands can be really liberating. Sometimes, your creative brain knows what it needs. And sometimes, it just needs to take the wheel while you hang on for dear life. Apparently, Past Kaitlin knew that even when I didn't. I guess she's not so bad.
5) I started taking my own art seriously
This is the big one. Because NONE of the above list would have mattered if this one crucial thing hadn't changed. Praise, timelines, job changes ... nothing else compares to the joy of suddenly believing in your OWN art. There are moments in every creator's life when they experience exactly this. And it's happened to me before, which is why I recognized it now.
A few years ago, I had to make a choice between a role I really wanted that didn't pay, and continuing to support myself as a working performer. I had always thought that actors who refused to perform for free were just being divas, but that was the year I realized: I was talented enough to make those decisions for myself. It wasn't that we aren't WILLING to. It's that we get to decide what roles are worth "donating" our marketable and hard-won skills for. That role wasn't it for me, and I left the show. I have never regretted it, because that decision took me from feeling like "a girl who happens to get paid to act" and made me feel like an "actor." My career has vastly improved since that mindset shift, and my writing is going through the same changes now. I don't HAVE to write for free. I don't HAVE to donate my talent if I don't truly believe that I should. I deserve to feel like a professional, and I do. Finally.
I may never be a bestselling author, but the moment I decided that this was a career and not a hobby, I started acting like I could be. And for me, that meant cranking out the words, putting aside the time, and doing the hard work.
I've learned a lot about myself this month. I've learned that this is a job I actually take seriously, and I'm willing to sacrifice a lot for it. I've learned that I'm REALLY good at bullying and bribing myself into getting things done. And I've learned that I can make this writing pace WORK. 2019 is, I hope, going to be a year filled with magic, and writing, and fresh ideas, and brand new books. Because even if I hadn't won? I believed in myself enough to try. And that's the hardest step to take. After this month, nothing can slow me down.
No wait, that sounds like a challenge to the universe, and I REALLY can't afford to taunt it right now ... ok, let's try that again. *ahem*
After this month, I KNOW that I'll always pick myself back up again, no matter how busy I get. My dreams, and yours, are worth fighting for. So pick up your pen. Pick up your forgotten ideas and dust them off. Pick up whatever that hobby in the back of your mind is, the one you've always known you could do for a living, and remind yourself why it matters. Find your team, and set your challenge. You've got one month left in 2018 to figure out your passion. And then next year? We're all in. Let's do this.
It's time for another installment of "Dear Anxiety Brain, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!"
I went through a phase about two years ago where I was eating at Tropical Smoothie Cafe almost every morning for breakfast. It was delicious, affordable, and right on my way to work. I usually ordered the same thing, just with slightly different add-ins in my smoothie. Some days, you just need energizer MORE than you need protein or an immunity boost.
Our story opens on one such morning. An average morning, at the start of an average day. I went in, got my combo order (smoothie and a half sandwich) and asked for one of my usual smoothies, with one of my usual boosts. When I got back to my car and took a quick sip, I realized something was wrong. To this day I don't know if I accidentally ordered a bad combination, or if the server made it wrong, but I realized I had a choice: Go in and ask for another smoothie, or drive off and face my day with utter smoothie sadness and misery in my heart.
Here, the much more logical and sane part of my brain said, "Yes. Not a problem, we can do this. We don't even mind paying for a new one, we just want something delicious. It's inoffensive, completely manageable, and the brief discomfort will be over soon."
Aaaaaaand THEN MY ANXIETY TOOK THE WHEEL. I couldn't just go in and ask for a new smoothie, I was a REGULAR here! People KNEW me! They knew where I WORKED! I couldn't stomach the thought of being "that customer" who isn't satisfied and makes a fuss (even though, as Logic reminded me, I was completely willing to pay full price.)
So, INSTEAD, I did a completely normal thing. I marched back in with a smile on my face and said, "Hey! My friend Kayla saw that I checked in here on Facebook, and asked if I could grab HER a smoothie, too!" Harmless enough white lie, right?
Oh, you poor sweet child ... if only my anxiety were that simple ...
Instead of just acting like a N O R M A L H U M A N, I pretended to read an imaginary order off my phone while I told her what I -- ahem, Kayla, -- wanted. I faked like I was waiting for confirmation from this imaginary person on the other end of the phone. Man, say what you will about my anxiety, but it COMMITS to the bit! I even pretending to be getting a Venmo payment from her. From this person that didn't exist.
Finally, second smoothie in hand, I went back out to my car, free at last from the nightmare. I told my anxiety to sit down and shut up. Instead, my anxiety screamed at me, "YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY CHECK IN ON FACEBOOK WHAT IF THEY CHECK THEIR PAGE AND SEE THAT YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY CHECK IN THEY WILL KNOW YOU LIIIIIIIIEEEEEED!"
"But ... they don't know my last name, how would they --- "
"THEY WILL KNOW JUST DO IT OMG."
I did it. Two years later and I'm still bathed in awkward shame about it. And then, to top it all off, I made sure I WAITED until I was down the road before I PUT THE STRAW IN MY NEW SMOOTHIE. Because, obviously, the were watching me out the store window and would see if I took "Kayla's" smoothie for myself.
I am grateful, in a way, that I have this bizarre panic override that allows me, on occasion, to fake my way through things that give me anxiety. It's right there on my personality shelf next to the jars of "Mom Friend Override," which I have in SPADES. But friends, I'm gonna be honest: I hope, at the end of this life as we know it, I find out that Tropical Smoothie Cafe is actually a secret spy organization. I hope they've been watching our every move, and that my smoothie subterfuge was totally justified.
Recently, a question floated my way: What is the hardest part of being a self-published author? The manuscript or the marketing? For a moment, I was all set to say "MARKETING! Hands down!" Until I realized ... the answer, for me, is neither of them. The HARDEST part of being a brand new self-published author is treating it like a job.
My life has always been extremely hectic. I have had multiple jobs at once since I entered the work force at 16. If you read my first post, you'll remember that my work schedule is INSANE, and mostly self-inflicted. In the last little while, however, I have managed to being paring down my jobs to only the most necessary gigs. Things that get me health insurance, and help pay my rent. I wouldn't call them "survival jobs," as I enjoy doing them. The plan was always to be an actor and a writer, and the acting/performing side of my life is solid and fulfilling.
That being said, I'd always imagined I would get a contract with an established publisher, and be able to live off an advance while working on my next book. I could take only the acting jobs I really wanted, just to stay busy and keep one foot in the business, and the rest of my time could be spent writing. With the choice to self-publish instead, my lifestyle and day-to-day schedule has been thrown into chaos. Let's break it all down, shall we?
I work Full Time for Universal Studios Orlando. That's 32 hours a week spent performing in their theme parks. 40 if I pick up an extra day, but for the sake of argument let's call it 32.
I also run an entertainment company, which takes up at least six hours a day. On the nights we don't stream, it's slightly less, but on the nights we DO stream it is slightly more, so we're going to average that out to 42 hours a week. That still puts my current time spent "working" at 74 hours per week. Okay, still manageable. Not GREAT, but still a functional, if busy, schedule.
But wait ... I still have to write. If I ONLY spend 1 hour a day (which is less than ideal) writing, that gets me to 81 hours a week with the extra 7 hours of writing time. And that would put my next book release at ... I don't want to THINK about how far away. Suffice it to say, it's not the best writing schedule.
Then there's brand management. Even if I combine marketing and social media for the company AND my book, that is a giant time commitment in and of itself. Say I only dedicate one hour a day to the marketing side of things -- 88 hours total of my week are WORK. And I haven't even calculated in miscellaneous issues, like setting aside time to record my audio books, commuting, or the time spent auditioning (which is PART of my job as a performer.) So let's call that 2 hours per week, on average, bringing us up to a nice spicy 90 HOUR WORK WEEK.
And I am only GUARANTEED a paycheck from 32 OF THOSE HOURS.
In the midst of all of this, I've also got regular human functionality to contend with. I either have to schedule in time to meal prep, or get used to ordering in. My health problems make finding time to work out a medical necessity, oh, and did I mention the ever-present anxiety and depression? There are days when it is genuinely impossible for me to find the energy to give a damn about ANY of it. We've got writer's block in the mix, and physical/mental issues that cause me to oversleep. I'd LIKE to spend any time ever with my boyfriend, or support my friends in their shows and events and baby showers. Oh, and I very much enjoy dedicating time to personal hygiene.
For those of you with mental health and physical concerns of your own, you're probably sitting there wholeheartedly understanding this dilemma. For those of you that don't, trust me when I say: I WISH I DID NOT HAVE THEM. I wish my body and brain would just let me charge through life without stopping. But even then, this work schedule would be INSANE. And finding the motivation to power through it all, and believe in myself enough to justify the schedule, is a job of its own.
I am THRILLED that I have enough passion in my life to fill it with things that keep me going. But I would be lying if I said it was easy. I am constantly working to find better ways to structure my time, and better ways to market myself so that, one day, writing WILL be my full time job. But I know it never will be if I don't treat it like it already is. So, to answer your question, THAT is the hardest part of self-publishing. Hard work, with no promise of payout for your efforts. It is every entrepreneur's struggle, and I raise a well-earned glass to every one of you out there, fighting alongside me to bring your passions to life. Here's to the 90-Hour Work Week. May we all conquer and tame it.
The whole weekend was an absolute blast, and I am already gearing up for my next con (when and where still to be determined) however, there was something that was brought up time and time again while I was at ACC. People were constantly shocked that I was "just an indie author." So, let's CHAT, shall we?
About three years ago, I typed the final period on the final page of my first novel. The feeling was MAGNIFICENT ... followed by months of endless agony. Nobody wanted it. Here it was, this beautiful thing that I had poured my whole LIFE into for almost a decade and nobody wanted to buy it from me. I submitted to publishers who were accepting unsolicited manuscripts. I submitted to agencies. I submitted to contests, magazines, the works. I trudged through the next two years with a giant black cloud hanging over my creativity. I had been all fired up and ready to get right to work on Book II from the moment I finished Windswept. Literally, THE MOMENT! I celebrated the completion of my final chapter by typing "Chapter One" in a brand new document, not five minutes later! But when nobody wanted to take a chance on me, I started to lose hope in my own vision for the series. I knew I was a good writer -- I just wasn't good enough.
And that was the first lie I told myself. See, in the months that would precede my decision to self-publish, I re-read many of the rejection letters I was sent over the years. And nowhere, in any of them, was there even the merest suggestion that my writing was the problem. I, as an artist with self-esteem issues (and a human with basic instincts of self-preservation) had BUILT THAT INTO THE CONVERSATION! My brain said "Oh no, they've rejected us! They don't like our work! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!" In my case? The answer was, more or less, nothing. Their concern was not with content, it was with length.
Wait ... so, you mean to tell me, that without EVER reading more than five pages and the final word count, these people decided that the story was too long for a debut novel, and rejected it?
Why yes, yes I am. I was told over and over again that my book was just too long for a starter novel. Or, just as often, too long for Young Adult. And that's when I realized -- these were not the publishers for me. Anyone who thinks it's okay to limit the length of a novel JUST based on arbitrary word count is NOT somebody who I would like to do business with. Now, if you'd read my book and said "yeah, that scene in the tavern could have been a bit shorter, it got kinda boring," I could understand! But there were no content notes. No suggestions of actual STORY-BASED CONCERNS! Just the idea that my book, for some reason, was "too long."
If you were a reading child, or if you are now a reading adult, who enjoys epic fantasy, then I think it's safe to say that length doesn't scare you. Most of us want something more. We get swept up in these tales, and we ache when they are over. We constantly long to disappear into the worlds of Middle Earth and Narnia and Hogwarts, and our hearts break when the final words are finished. That is my audience, and that is who I write for every day. Could I have edited my manuscript, made the adjustments they suggested, and gotten an official book deal? Most likely. Am I glad I didn't? Absolutely.
The story of "that month I decided to just go for it already" is going to be its own whole THING in a later post, so please allow me to skip all the mess in the middle for now, and jump to THE CON! Three days of sitting in a booth, chatting with strangers about my book, and having a very similar conversation each and every time. It usually went something like this:
Them: Hi wow what's this book about?
Me: It's about a boy named Fox, born in a land without magic, who discovers that he alone has an ancient and mysterious magical gift.
Them: Oh cool! This cover is great, it looks like a real book!
Ahem. While I am FLATTERED (because I poured a lot of money into a decent cover designer, and I worked my ass off to GET this book out on time) I also have to say something on behalf of all of us who choose to self-publish, for one reason or another: THEY ARE ALL REAL BOOKS. It doesn't matter if we published because we didn't want to edit, or because we disagreed with a publisher, or even because we suck. And yes, some self-published authors genuinely went that way because they couldn't write, and they couldn't take the critique and work their project into something marketable. BUT EVEN SO, more power to them. They made something unique, and they followed their own vision, just like I did. Now, I put the work into it. For most of my life, I have been training to be a writer. I got lucky enough to train with a bestselling author as my mentor, and I know many people are not given that opportunity, but I took it and WORKED. HARD. And, at the end of the day, that will show in my reviews. And my sales.
But they are all real books. And we are all REAL writers. We just took a different path, because for one reason or another, traditional publishing didn't pan out for us. And I'm here to tell you, it's not always because you're a bad writer. Or because you're stubborn and can't take notes. Sometimes, it's because you're not willing to compromise your dream. And that's OKAY. I'm going to be fighting to market myself, probably for the rest of my career, because I didn't make changes to pander for a book deal. But that's MY journey to take. And it doesn't make me a less-qualified creator.
To all the readers out there who think indie authors aren't "real" authors, you're right. We are so much MORE than that. We are writers, designers, formatting experts, one-man marketing departments, entrepreneurs, proofreaders ... and that's not including most of our full-time survival jobs. They have yet to create a proper term for all of the things that we are.
And to all of the writers out there, deciding if you should self-publish or hold out for a contract, ask yourself what I did: Why am I doing this? Always remember if you're in it for the money, or if you're in it to have your story told. Yes, listen to the publishers, listen to the agencies. But hear what they are ACTUALLY telling you, and think about what it means for your story. Are they asking you to improve your writing, or fit their mold? I support either choice, but no matter what you do, believe in yourself. No matter how it happens, you've made a real book.
Kaitlin Bellamy is a freelance actor, indie author, and all-around nerd. Welcome to her world, adventurer. It's gonna get weird.